Why does today’s marriage lack joy and peace?
God’s original plan for marriage was for couples to taste heaven while on earth and not bitterness. But on the contrary, the majority of marriages are like hell on earth. Couples are filled with regret, pain, grief, wounds, and fear. Despite all this experience, there is hope in God who initiated this institution of marriage.
Based on my small study and revelation of the Holy Spirit, let me share with you several reasons why there is no joy and peace in the majority of today’s marriages:
1. Wrong choice of a life partner
Most marriage problems are caused by wrong choices. God says that life and death are set before us. It is our responsibility to make the right choice of life for our own good and the benefit of the coming generations. Deut 30:19 “I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live.”. If a person deliberately ignores known problems of her or his prospective life partner (fiancé/fiancée), she/he will pay the price. We need to be careful not to allow being obsessed with the love of a person we don’t know very well. When you are obsessed with that kind of love you will be blind and fail to see weaknesses that might cost you in the future. Gal 6: 7 “Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, for whatever one sows, that will he also reap.” Some people are suffering today simply because they ignored the bad behaviors of their partners because of their wealth, education, fame or because they were tired of waiting for the right one. Had Adam not been patient, he would have married a chimpanzee because animals were already created. The chimpanzee probably was the only one resembling to human. Who knows, probably you married a chimpanzee because of your impatience or being coerced (pressurized) to marry a person who is neither your own choice nor God’s.
2. Poor foundation in establishing married life
If you committed sex before the wedding was officiated, definitely the foundation will have a gap that will extend even to the walls of your marriage. Your foundation is sin and impatience no wonder you are guilty and have lost mutual trust. This proves that you were weak in waiting and in controlling your sexual desire. But also you didn’t have fear of the Lord.
Maybe you were faithful until the wedding but not equipped enough as husband and wife. Marriage is a factory for producing humans so it needs a good manager. Couples must sit down and plan for the kind of home they want. A builder cannot just build upstairs rooms on an already-built normal house. When preparing for my wedding, I set aside a budget for 5 days in a hotel. I wanted as newlyweds to spend time together for strategic plans immediately after our wedding day to ensure that we have a strong foundation. A marriage must have ground rules and focus to sustain it.
Some couples hid their real life from each other during the engagement. Probably one didn’t like his/her partner to know his/her economic condition. This can affect relationships when a wife is forced to live a life she was not prepared to experience because now the husband does not have a place to go for borrowing. As a result, even basic needs are not met. Even a wife must be open to sharing her expectations before marriage.
3. Overdepending on relatives’ support and failure to cleave.
Some married couples do not interdepend in family affairs. Outwardly they look married but in reality, they are “remote controls” of their relatives. They fail to implement all three divine directives for marriage – leave, hold fast, and become one flesh. Gen 2:24 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” It is not possible to be one flesh (connected physically, spiritually, and psychologically) before leaving one's parents and holding fast (cleave) to your wife. However, leaving your parents does not mean forgetting or ignoring your parents but means observing an independent life at leading your home. You don’t need to copy the leadership style of your parents. Cleaving is to be intimate friends and not allow a gap for outsiders. There is an adage that says, ‘Out of sight, out of mind’, which means that if you don’t see a person frequently, you easily forget him or her. The more married people stay far from each other, the more they forget each other and at the same time, a close friend of the opposite sex fills the gap created. Later this gap may become a door for adultery. Efforts need to be made to make sure that there is no gap between married couples.
4. Ignoring God, the initiator of marriage
Some couples don’t involve God in finding the right partner but tend to ask for His blessings. God instituted marriage to serve God. Basically God didn’t create Adam and Eve to enjoy their own pleasure but to help in multiplication, subduing the earth, and dominion over creation. Gen 1:28 “And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”. Because many people do not know this reality when they marry, they give up serving God and then live a cursed life. Deut 28:30,47 “You shall betroth a wife, but another man shall ravish her. You shall build a house, but you shall not dwell in it. You shall plant a vineyard, but you shall not enjoy its fruit. Because you did not serve the LORD your God with joyfulness and gladness of heart, because of the abundance of all things” If you need divine healing and care in your marriage ask yourself this question: How does God benefit from my marriage?
5. To value money more than dignity
Some couples’ love is based on material success. To them, a partner is important if he is well off. This behavior affects marriage when there is fluctuation in the family's economic condition. Marriage must value God’s plan and human dignity more than anything else. Otherwise, one will pursue wealth more than seeking intimacy with his/her partner. This leads to the recurrence of loneliness and the disappearance of the real meaning of marriage. Note that God’s plan for marriage was and still is to deal with loneliness (Gen 2:18). Many people today are ‘married singles’ instead of ‘married couples.’ They look married on the outside but in real life they are single. A partner is ready to look for prosperity at the expense of a marital relationship. We must be careful that the money we possess SERVE US INSTEAD OF US SERVING IT. Money should help to build up the family and not destroy it. A certain lady was true to her husband who used to send her money without returning home for long periods. He said to him, “Thank you very much for the money you sent me but remember that I married you and not your money!”
6. To enter married life while ignorant of roles (what it takes to get married)
Some people get married without knowing the basics of married life. God didn’t provide Adam with a wife until He made sure that He had made a garden for them (Gen 2:15-17). God is indeed against loneliness but He dealt with it after providing a garden and responsibilities. Eve was created to complement him. In other words, they needed each other to be complete.
All partners need to know their respective responsibilities for marriage. Partners must help each other but everyone needs to know his/her roles. Some people claim that the husband is responsible for every activity including chores and his wife is just a helper. This perspective comes from people who understand the word ‘helper’ from English or their natural languages instead of the original Bible languages. The word helper from the Hebrew language was EZER KENEGDO meaning that a wife is a strong person to save her husband (a life-saver). Even today you will see that women are very strong in certain areas. The devil knows about that so he is trying to manipulate and destroy that capacity. One of the women's strengths is the capacity to understand something immediately, without conscious reasoning (intuition). Husbands need to use this God-given ability to rescue the family from attacks. If you ignore your wife’s advice you may find yourself in trouble. A good wife makes good judgment, she is a saver of life. Men and women are equal but they are given different assignments. God created this difference not for competition but for complementarity because “opposites attract.”
7. Forgetting that the devil who destroyed the first marriage is not dead
The devil tirelessly creates new devices for destroying marriage and families. One day a born-again Christian was on board and saw his neighbor seriously praying. So he asked him if he could join him. He was shocked by the answer from his neighbor. He replied and said, “I’m a Satanist and today in our calendar is the day for praying against Christian marriages. We pray that their marriages will fail.” Probably their prayers have led to current conflicts in your marriage, committing adultery and the like. Only fervent and determined prayers can rescue you from what you are going through. Unless you are pulled out of that pit by the power of Almighty God, you will never ever be able to detach yourself from that sexual partner and return to your own family. However, despite all your past mistakes, God is willing and able to heal and restore your marriage if you turn to Him in faith without losing hope.
I pray that:
1. God will help you to admit and confess your mistakes and ask for forgiveness without hiding your sins.
2. God will help you to have an intimate relationship with your life partner even when you are far apart due to employment or studies.
3. God will open your eyes to people who look attractive but are demonic agents to initiate you into the kingdom of darkness.
4. God will revive your exhausted marriage so that you no longer live in vulnerable and shameful life but a life that gives glory to God.
Receive the touch of God now in Jesus' Name!
Dr. Lawi Mshana, +255712924234; Korogwe, Tanga, Tanzania
